if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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