Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
