I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You are a genius and a whore.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
