I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Farmville is her only friend.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
being pregnant is like rehab
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
