Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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