you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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