I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
