she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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