apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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