Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
