Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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