Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
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