if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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