do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
