apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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