There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
