Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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