There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
