I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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