He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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