You just made me feel so damn special
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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