Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
