You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
