this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
