Porn is love you can see.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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