my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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