SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
