I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
