So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
