Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
