is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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