I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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