I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
