How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
