Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
