I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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