Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
