My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
