listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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