Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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