in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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