I wish I could teleport
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
