Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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