just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
