Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The beer is more important than you right now.
she pinky promised me she was 18
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
