Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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