You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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