Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You made out with two different species that night
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
