Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
FUCK WHALES
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