when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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