if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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