i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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