Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
