He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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