I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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