it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
