Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
