She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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