And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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